U know you want to, but you can't...

A lot of things have changed during this transition period, and I dont ask you to accept me for who I am or how I look now.

Sometimes you just want to accept the person for who they are, but its just so... not easy. You would ask, what happened to the person I've married less than a year ago.

The crazy amount of weight I have gained, near 20kg, and the impossible-to-finish-counting stretch marks that happily leeched on my tummy, I know.. are just a bigbig turnoff and its also your huge worry if they will follow me for life. They may. Oh, and my cannot-find-my-neck bloated face too. (Scary eh.)

The aching in the bones, especially the pelvis bones, made me have to walk like some old Penguins, although I'm trying my best to walk like I'm on some runway... but Epic Fail - its clumsy and Not cute. (lol)

Im getting so clumsy now, ever since last Monday when my pelvis bone starts aching. I can't even wear my shorts properly (after bath) as my legs cannot be carried up higher than the knee level and the worst, my big tummy dis-enable me to bend forward. So I have to wear like this - Bend my upper body as low as I can, right hand holding the shorts freely hang in the air at about knee level, trying to "one-try" and fit my right leg into that hole, and then change hand, same level or lower, "one-try" and fit my other leg in. Sometimes it takes more than 2 tries. And sometimes I lost my balance and hopped a bit. All because of the pelvis aches.

So clumsy of me, that I don't even wished you would see it happening. That's why I would always locked the room door when Im changing and you are outside of the room. Then I would, comfortably, sit on the bed, and try to wear my pants/shorts taking my own sweet time. In the room, it's still ok, at least I can sit on the bed for more comfort. But in the bathroom - Argh, its another different story.

When I woke up from bed, I hate to let you see that side of me too. I totally have to limp to the toilet in the most awkward manner you cant imagine. And my finger bony joints are painful too, they cant hold tight to something, coz when I bend them together, ouch! My fingertips cant touch my palm. I have the infamous Buter Fingers now. And that was why I accidentally dropped you iPhone yesterday during breakfast. And u gave me that angry stare and asked me "What are you doing?" I knew, at that point of time, I dont have to explain much. I just kept quiet and ate my sandwich. Coz you wouldnt understand, and would just categorize my reason for an excuse.

I always hate letting people see the weak side of me. My smile and and loud laughters often cover it. And I hope you dont get to see them as well. But I cant hide what is obvious on my surface.

People said being pregnant is beautiful, I dont know where did that come from. haha. But nevertheless, my love for Manfred Baby stays. Jiayou Baby, in 19 days to come! We will PUSH together.