As much as family support is taken for granted to be expected, I'm gonna start living life as an individual, meaning I have to be very very independent and not relying on anyone.
I have to accept myself that I am now getting clumsier and moodier. And I'm gonna embrace it and live with it. I have to walk slower, because of the extra "ball" that Manfred is growing in. My actions are slower than last time (needless to say), and even getting out from the bed, is not gonna be easy. Every time when I wake up and open my eyes, my body is aching/sore. Too much on my left side. Every time when I get up from my seat after being seated more than 45 min, I have to use another way to get out from the seat. I can't just get straight out or jump up like last time. I have to eat slow, and drink slow, so that I don't get bloated so easily, which leads me to being breathless at times. Therefore, I learnt to enjoy lunches alone. I take my time to walk. I take my time to eat. I take my time to think and reflect during lunches.
I'm also gettin' moodier sometimes. I tot that I havent been really playing my role, as a daughter and a wife. As I take cabs more often now(thanks to crowded trains and buses), when I go back to my parents' place during weekday, I'm gonna spend more than $20 to their place and then back to Hougang. It's big money in long run. I can't visit them as often. Thou I promise them before I got married, that I would stay over like during weekends, but its been a month since I stayed over. :'( I feel bad, deep within. Coz all they needed, or wanted, was their close kin to stay over. (Not so much my niece and nephew staying over).
As for playing a part as a wife, what have I done? I cant cook @ here, under strict restrictions from the mother-in-law. I cant drive out and buy him good food. I cant even accompany him watch finish a show on tv as I get tired and sleepy very easily. My current bed time way exceeds my bed time at home. Thou I have adjusted, but I feel like shit (tired) in the morning. I cant do much for him overall. And with my big tummy (bigger than others), let's not mention the intimate needs he should have from a wife. Bah!
As much as I wanna do my things myself, there are just some things that I can't, due to risks concerned. And I m guarding Manfred with all I have, as much as myself. I could be selfish/not helpful at times. But I guess mothers / mothers-to-be ought to be.
They said when one gets pregnant, it means 2 get pregnant - with the partner involved. But only when you have been thru, then you know it's quite impossible. Your partner can only show you his support, this much. That is so much he can do. But ultimately, for the rest of the day, you are on your own, with your precious tummy with you. You have to be very careful with what you do, what you eat, what you feel. You know you have to control yourself very well, when at work, your clients piss you off with one shot. Instead of F***ing them back, you've got to cool down and CALM DOWN. Take in deep breaths, breathe out. x10! AND SMILE! :)
Sometimes I feel a little helpless and a lil useless, that is why I m determined to still do whatever I can do on my own. Trying not to rely on anyone else... I'm gonna keep the yoko yoko by my bedside, and so in case my leg cramp comes again, I'm gonna attend to it myself. >:)
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