It's been so long since i've procastinated to write something on this topic.
To begin with...
Having a helper was never in my mind. Ever. Even when I have manfred, have my own place to stay in, worked long hours. Mike and I could handle this pretty well. One of us would do the chores, and one of us would attend to the boy till his bedtime. Tired, yes. But we were still surviving, other than the occassional arguements on chores and stuff. When I got preggy with Mitchell, Manfred was then 13 months+. I got tired really easily and had kinda of a complicated pregnancy ever since the 3rd month into pregnancy - wasnt easy, phsically and mentally. But yes, we still made it till when Mitchell popped.
And then - that was our breaking point.
Mitchell was a very fussy baby - totally different from Manfred. Manfred was a much easier baby and a lot much independent. Mitchell was the exact opposite - 100% attention seeking, fussy, insecured, cried, screamed, yelled. You name it. Just attending to Mitchell alone was a big headache. As much as i got used to it as months passed, but I was physically drained, and with Manfred to share our love and attention, and the chores of course... Mike and I reached our max limit - the breaking point.
One night, when Mitchell was about 5 months - I couldnt hold it any longer. I told Mike "Let's get a helper." Mike, being very anti-helper too, - agreed. And so we began the search. We wanted someone older, more matured, with kids. And we found a candidate that fit all our criteria and yes, she has been staying with us for more than 6 months now.
A little background:
Manman and Mitch are under a babysitter's care. Fantastic nanny. Given a choice I would love her to look after my boys for full day, but i also understand that it would be way too tired for her as their age gap was pretty close. Therefore having a helper, Mitch would be over at nanny's for half a day, and Manman would still be there full day and we would pick him up after work. Mitch would be back at home with the helper in the noon.
Ok, back to the story:
So, we made arrangement for give up one room for her and Mitch. It took awhile before we got used to having someone else in the house and all. The orientation took a while for her to get used to our culture and environment too. It was, her first time to Singapore after all.
As much as we agreed that we would be all hands on when it comes to the boys, and only leave the chores to our her, but, that being said is simple. Reality strikes. When, after a day of work, meetings, sales targets ... and reaching home at 8 plus at night. We gradually leave Mitchell in the helper's care for basic needs (like coaxing him to sleep, and changing him), and I take care of Manfred's. Well, and that's how Manfred is really close and sticky to me now. We hang out together, we sleep together, learn together and play together. Mitchell was still a baby and therefore couldnt join us most of the time, and he was quite a terror. Haha! Only lately, now that he has turned 1 year old, he is welcomed in our play sessions a little more. He is a big destroyer, and given that Manman is a total neat freak, it freaks him out when his baby brother comes forward to destroy something he has painstakingly built/arranged - eg: his railway tracks!
If you asked me if it affects my relationship with the boys having a helper around. As of now, I would think the answer is a No (yet). I dont know about the future, but now.. it's still fine.
To be honest, that was also my first worry. I dont want to be detached from my boys if I were to get a helper. Initially I felt very uncomfortable when 2 hands would come over and take my wailing boy away while I was trying to coax him. But I also understood that she meant well as I needed to work the next day. It took me a while to "let it go". Instead I learn to spend quality time with the boys. After my dinner, it will almost be 9ish, i will spend some time to play with them or read with them before Mitchell turns in for the night and I will then spend the remaining pre-bedtime with manman - as he is able to hold some good conversations now, like what happened in the day etc.
Manman is 37 months now. And Mitch is 15 months. Manman sticks to me like chewing gum. Mitchell sticks to everyone in the house, or in the family, so I'm not worried for now. He sticks to the helper when we are at work, but he always welcome us with BIG SMILES when we reach our gate. He will ask Mike or me to carry him every single time when he sees us. So for now, he doesnt really has a preference, yet. He welcomes everyone (he knows) with big hugs and smiles.
But one thing for sure, I'm really grateful that I do not have to waaste my time on chores. The moment I reach home, it's ALL TIME with the boys. Mike and I have one less thing to argue about. Mike can go for his basketball a couple times weekly as I have a second pair of hands to handle the boys with me. I can have my dinner first while she looks after them for a while, and some time for me to bathe before i attend to the boys for the night.
From what I can see, Marie is a very patient person. There was a period of time when Mitchell refused sleep every night. Marie would be rocking him in her arms until he fell asleep. And there would be like until 12plus.
So my verdict after more than 6 months of having a helper: There's one more person to give love and care for my small boy - who is a total attention seeker. So, it's still good. I get to go out for dinner with friends sometimes. Another bonus is that sometimes we would leave the 2 boys under her care while Mike and I go for a quick grocery shopping without the boys (which is more efficient!) But of course, most of the time, we would bring the boys out with us, and we get to spend time with them alone. So Marie gets some rest too. It's a shag out to tend to Mitch now as he walks around the house so fast already, climbs and crawls, high and low. For a good 24 hours looking after him, it takes a lot of physical work.
i guess having a helper is afterall not a worry to be distanced away from your children, but it's really about HOW DEPENDENT U ARE ON YOUR HELPER. That is the key to the worrying question many mums are facing. Quality time aka laughter times are very very important to keep the bonding. Not about spending time watching cartoons together - but the physical interaction. How you can make them laugh and beg for your attention.
As much as I am guilty as a mum, because I spend more time and attention on Manman than Mitchell, but Im trying my best to fix this. When Mitchell reaches 18 months, I would have plans to put the 2 brothers togeher in one bed room, so I can spend bed time with them together.
Balance is the key. Wise words.
